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Feedback Fridays

TimeShifter

Constructive criticism is welcomed by all. However, any comments that are overly derogatory in nature will be removed. Please keep in mind that the author, while anonymous, will be reading your feedback. Submissions posted here are not edited and/or proof-read by Indireads.

If you are an author hoping for some feedback on the first 800 words of your unpublished manuscript, you can submit your work here.

Genre: Paranormal, Romance

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“He was brought in yesterday,” the policeman explained. “Beach Patrol weren’t sure what to do with him – not sure of his mental state – and he didn’t actually commit any crime.”

Chloe walked with him down the long corridor. ”Inspector Bennett said he was found naked on the beach in the middle of the night, is that right?” she enquired.

“Yeah,” the policeman, Vuyo, shook his head. “No ID, no shoes, clothes, nothing. And his fingerprints, so far, have come up clean.”

They had reached the single cell at the end of the corridor and Chloe focused her mind on the task ahead. The man was sitting on the cold concrete floor, leaning back against the grimy wall. He looked up as Chloe and Vuyo approached.

“We’ve brought someone to see you,” Vuyo’s voice sounded harsh, which surprised Chloe, as she knew him to be a kind man. “This lady is a counsellor, sent here to help you, so make sure you behave yourself.”

Chloe’s senses sharpened. The light in the cell was dim, but not dim enough to hide the harsh planes of the man’s face. She stared into his pale blue eyes and felt her professional mask slip – not just because of their strange and unusual colour, but because they were the coldest eyes she’d ever seen – and she’d seen plenty. She dragged her gaze away from him as Vuyo unlocked the gate.

“You want me to come inside with you?” he asked softly.

Chloe hesitated for a second; then shook her head. Speaking to suspects in front of the police was a waste of time. “No thanks Vuyo, I’ll be fine,” she said with more confidence than she felt.

The gate banged closed behind her and Vuyo turned his back on them, folding his arms and leaning back against the bars.

The cell was small and very basic. A single metal framed bed, covered with a scratchy brown blanket, was set against one wall, a stainless-steel toilet in the corner and a small barred window, which Chloe knew faced the barren courtyard of the police station. She shivered, this was not a pleasant place to be, and in spite of the warm African sun outside, she knew it would be cold in this miserable cell at night.

Chloe sat down on the edge of the bed and tried not to stare at the man sitting on the floor opposite her. He was wearing an off-white, cotton shirt and faded, baggy jeans, which someone must have dug out of the lost property box. His shirt was unbuttoned and though his knees were bent in front of him, she couldn’t help but notice the lean, hard muscles of his chest and stomach. Despite the ill-fitting clothes; with his smooth olive skin, thick dark hair and the harsh beauty of his face, he reminded Chloe of a male model straight out of a glossy magazine. His relaxed posture only added to the illusion, but as he stared back at her, through hooded, hard eyes, Chloe knew instinctively that the laid-back pose was just that – a pose.

“My name is Chloe Webster and I’m a counsellor here at Sea Point police station,” she managed to keep her voice steady as his strange, pale eyes moved over her – not missing a thing – from her fair hair scraped back in a pony tail to her over-sized shirt and combat pants. She always wore loose clothes when she visited the station, in fact she always wore baggy clothes full stop. The Chloe who once wore feminine short skirts and tight fitting jeans, seemed like a different person from a different lifetime.

Chloe forced her mind back to the present. “Can you tell me your name?”

He continued to stare at her, until she thought he was not going to answer at all, and then, finally, he spoke. “You can call me Zack.”

His voice was low with a gravelly edge to it that sent shivers down Chloe’s spine. “And your surname – Zack?”

There was another long silence, his eyes slid away from her, staring up at the barred window. ‘It doesn’t matter.”

Chloe let out a long, slow breath. Hoping that he couldn’t notice how tense and aware of him she actually was. But then his piercing eyes focused on her again and she knew in her bones that he noticed everything.

“Ok.” She shrugged. “Do you remember how you came to be found on the beach – without any clothes or possessions?’

“Not exactly,” he leaned his head back against the grubby wall, still watching her. “But that’s to be expected.”

She was trying to place his accent and for a moment didn’t register his cryptic reply. The accent was unusual, definitely not South African, perhaps American like herself?

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Feedback Fridays

The Ending

Constructive criticism is welcomed by all. However, any comments that are overly derogatory in nature will be removed. Please keep in mind that the author, while anonymous, will be reading your feedback. Submissions posted here are not edited and/or proof-read by Indireads.

If you are an author hoping for some feedback on the first 800 words of your unpublished manuscript, you can submit your work here.

Genre: Paranormal/Thriller

________

It wasn’t a nightmare. She wasn’t running from a monster or walking naked into the school cafeteria. But there was a feeling of immense grief throttling her. She was aware of the tears running down her face, as aware as one can be in their sleep and at once, she was also aware of the soft comfort of her bed and the sun shining on her face. “I have a feeling it’s going to end.” Tara whispered, a lingering thought from the rapidly dissipating dream.

He was startled. He hadn’t noticed she was awake. “What is?”

“The world. I can feel it. It’s going to end. I just… I know it.” She paused, eyes shut, straining her memory, trying to remember what had been clear a moment ago.

“Sweetheart, it was a dream, you are half asleep. Relax. Your Mum is still making breakfast. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

Tara woke up. She looked up at her father, uncertainly. He was standing in the doorway of her bedroom. This was a sight she rarely got up to and she couldn’t help but smile. On the night Tara had developed a slight fever, her mother had frantically tried to reach him. Dad had promised he would return within a couple of days. Tara was annoyed by all the drama, but seeing him, she felt light as a feather; as if all this time there had been a weight on her chest and now that it was gone, she could fly. He had clearly just reached home and was checking up on her. He was still in uniform and looked more handsome than ever.

“The world is fine.” He smiled at her; she was still just a baby to him. He could remember the day he had first laid eyes on his daughter in the hospital, held her, kissed her. He’d called her ‘his little twinkling star’ and the name had stuck. Life had been good. They were just another happy family and he hadn’t realized back then how lucky he was to have one of those.

“As fine as it can be.” He wanted to hug her and tell her he could stay with her till she felt safe. But he didn’t want to make promises he couldn’t possibly keep. He knew better by now and she deserved better.

“Okay, okay, I guess it was just a lone post-nightmare thought. Wake me up when Mum’s done cooking.” She smiled, adding in a loud whisper, “I missed you.”

The door clicked shut behind him and she could hear him whistling on his way to the kitchen. She felt touched that left everything to come home for her.

When Dad came back to the room, Tara was snoring lightly. He sat by her bed and was about to shake her awake, when she suddenly sat up.

“Wha..? Oh it’s you. Sorry… I thought you were…uh… death.” Tara’s hair was in a tangle and her eyes were wide open. She mumbled something and dashed to the bathroom. A few minutes later, Tara came out looking rather more civilized. Absently fumbling with her T-shirt, she looked at her father uncertainly. For a moment they just stared at each other. A smile hesitantly broke out on Tara’s face and she asked, curious, “What did I just say?”

“Nothing. Come on down, breakfast is ready.” Dad chuckled.

Everything was just the same at the breakfast table. Mum had laid out the usual omelet-sandwich-cereal combo and Tara didn’t want any of it. What she wanted to was to talk to Dad about what they’d both been up to and break the uncomfortable silence that the room was engulfed in. Mum stared into her plate, quiet, stern. Dad gobbled up the rare home cooked food, throwing an occasional glance at the newspaper. And Tara twitched about in her seat, forming conversation starters in her mind. Finally, she blurted out, “I had the weirdest dream. The world is about to end today. Go up in a poof! Crazy, right?”

That did it. Next thing she knew, Mum was holding her tight, crying and shouting at Dad. “I told you she’s sick. One visit in a year, that’s all you can manage!?”

“It was a nightmare, Neeta, she’s fine.”

“She had a high fever. Do you have any idea how scared I was?”

“Of course I do. You know how? You left forty messages with Prabhakar. He thought there was something horribly wrong. He’s my boss, damn it, you can’t just call and pester him. I can’t believe you told him it was dead serious.”

“Would you have showed up, otherwise?” Her face had turned red. Tara thought she looked like a dragon, spitting fire.

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Journal

In the Author’s Voice: Unsettled

Download, share or listen online to Neelima’s sneak peek of her novella, ‘Unsettled‘.

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‘Together Forever’ Wins Paranormal Spot

paranormalFor her incredibly twisted and fantastic short story, our winner in the paranormal genre is

SS Kuruganti for Together Forever

SS Kuruganti’s short story sent chills down our spines. Here is an author with a great imagination, and we think she deserves her place as a winner in the Indireads 1st Short Story Competition. Great job, SS Kuruganti!